click to read : The F*ck Friend (part 1)
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I was shocked. This man, who I believed was being completely transparent with me from the very beginning just informed me that he was still a married man. I feel like when someone asks ” Are you still technically married? “, if you’re not divorced, your answer should be “YES I AM”. Of course, he saw it differently due to the fact that the legal separation was the mandatory step before the divorce. I couldn’t believe it. After months of trying to get me to be vulnerable and trust him, he tells me he’s considering going back to his wife, a wife that I did not even know was still “technically ” in the picture. This was one of the moments that strengthened my resolve to avoid my emotions. The way I saw it, my stubbornness protected me from what would’ve undoubtedly lead to weeks of tears and disappointment. He apologized for the misunderstanding and I wished him the best.
To my surprise, he returned weeks later and let me know that his divorce was final. Now I know what you’re thinking: Am I supposed to just take his word for it? I did have my doubts but at that point, I decided that I wouldn’t keep seeing him anyway so it wasn’t my problem. I told him that and he apologized again. He told me that he respected my decision but he wasn’t happy about it. He also took the same opportunity to inform that his contract at work was renewed for another two years. I was happy for him but I told him it doesn’t change anything between us.
For months he texted me, asking for us to see each other but I refused. I was tempted but I couldn’t get passed the married thing. I also had this theory that the reason why he “loved” me so much was because I was emotionally unavailable and because he didn’t have control over where the relationship was going. I did enjoy the attention. I can admit now that I had feelings for him too and I couldn’t let go. Every time I would try to think that we could be good together, I thought about the fact that he already had a whole family before. How we were in such different phases of our lives. I could not see our lives moving in the same direction.
Although I stayed away from him, we were constantly flirting and teasing by text. We would get mad at each other sometimes and I deleted his number, his messages and even blocked him a couple of times but we would still end up back in communication somehow (blame it on the alchohol ?). After a while, I agreed to see him. I went to his place and we talked, kissed and touched but we didn’t have sex. I felt completely distracted while I was there. My mind was all over the place and he noticed that it was different. The next day, he asked me about and I told him that I didn’t think that I could do the sex thing anymore. I also told him that I could not see myself loving him. I regretted saying this months later because it was not the whole truth. The truth was a lot more complicated than I wanted to admit. I no longer just wanted sex with him but I also was not ready for any type of commitment. I didn’t know what I wanted but the sex was no longer enough.
A few months of silence went by where we barely acknowledged each other. I suspected he was hurting and could use some space but I tried to reach out to him anyway.
I started feeling like he no longer cared and was purposely pushing me away. I felt like he would do or say things to purposely hurt me. I remember him telling me that he could not see himself sleeping with me again and then a few weeks later asking me for sex. I felt like he was constantly playing with my mind, testing the waters, testing my reaction to whatever he says, punishing me for pushing him away in the beginning. Aspects of my personality that he loved were becoming a nuisance to him.
One day , we had a huge argument that led to him deciding that we needed to talk face to face. He came over to my place, we ate, watched movies and eventually started kissing. I decided to tell him right then and there exactly how I felt the past couple of years. I told him that I developed feelings for him at some point but I did not really want to admit it. I also mentioned that I couldn’t see our future together. We were arguing so often and I felt like I would explode if I kept it all in. He responded by telling me that he was glad that I was finally able to express how I feel. However, he moved on from loving and he could never see himself loving me again. Those words sounded strangely familiar.
Too often, guys are not honest with us because they don’t think we can handle it. In reality, honesty is what we need so we can get some closure and move on. I realized that in trying to avoid getting hurt, I encouraged my own pain. His candor allowed me let him go, once and for all. I still care about him a great deal and through social media, I learned that he moved back to England the following year.